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Phil's Web Log

2002-08-14 06:06 UTC Where the heart is

I'm not having a great time at the moment. My psuedo-life is fine. Day to day life is fun and the cooking is good, the reading is enjoyable etc etc. It's all entirely pointless though. I imagine that I feel very much the same as if I had been stored in stasis for several months. I'm merely going through the motions of life. I do it simply because I know how to do it and I'm not sure what i'd do if I stopped. At the end of June my life came to a halt and only in September will it continue.

There are moments of hope here and there. I get to see her for a weekend, or a day once in a while....but just as soon as i've awakened from the seemingly perpetual stasis I fall back to sleep. It's not really depression though. It's just the absence of the feelings I have when she is near.

I realise that just as quickly as the summer began, it will have ended. I like to believe that anyway. However, the last month and a half could have been years for all i feel. I pray that the next month will show more kindness. I see her in a week and a half, then maybe once more before she returns. Sadly I don't have anything to take my mind from it. No current game, no close friends nearby, no book I want to read which doesn't constantly remind me of her.

Some would read this and argue that I need a separate life from her...that what she does affects me too much. I have no choice in my feelings for we are like one entity. Much like my mind has seperate areas and views, She and I have separate feelings and thoughts, but we are the same thing. When she is gone, I don't just think about it, I feel it constantly. Soon may she return, and end the suffering.

This page was created by Phil Waring, Copyright 2003

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