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Phil's Web Log

2002-08-14 06:06 UTC Where the heart is

I'm not having a great time at the moment. My psuedo-life is fine. Day to day life is fun and the cooking is good, the reading is enjoyable etc etc. It's all entirely pointless though. I imagine that I feel very much the same as if I had been stored in stasis for several months. I'm merely going through the motions of life. I do it simply because I know how to do it and I'm not sure what i'd do if I stopped. At the end of June my life came to a halt and only in September will it continue.

There are moments of hope here and there. I get to see her for a weekend, or a day once in a while....but just as soon as i've awakened from the seemingly perpetual stasis I fall back to sleep. It's not really depression though. It's just the absence of the feelings I have when she is near.

I realise that just as quickly as the summer began, it will have ended. I like to believe that anyway. However, the last month and a half could have been years for all i feel. I pray that the next month will show more kindness. I see her in a week and a half, then maybe once more before she returns. Sadly I don't have anything to take my mind from it. No current game, no close friends nearby, no book I want to read which doesn't constantly remind me of her.

Some would read this and argue that I need a separate life from her...that what she does affects me too much. I have no choice in my feelings for we are like one entity. Much like my mind has seperate areas and views, She and I have separate feelings and thoughts, but we are the same thing. When she is gone, I don't just think about it, I feel it constantly. Soon may she return, and end the suffering.

2002-08-13 01:15 UTC Ready steady blog

I'm having fun at the moment by creating subject titles based around stuff i'm doing. This one (if you follow English tv) concerns cooking. I've recently got over my bizarre fear of aubergines and they now feature in lots of meals I cook. Moreso than courgettes now. Better than this new found veg though is what I accomplished last night.

For quite a while my cooking has been improving. A curry would once have been "meat + curry sauce + heat." This advanced whilst living with Mike to Meat, lots of veg, fresh herbs, other spices and stuff like coconut milk. Only at the end would I add a little pataks curry paste for flavouring. Even this though was not good enough. Last night I cooked my first authentic curry. I did all the usual veg but instead of the pataks stuff, I made my own. I'm proud of this because there's a general feeling in the world that most english men can't cook. I'm glad they can't because i'm a better person for it, but to be doing indian food like this....it gives me hope.

After eating my curry last night I was filled with the feeling that I really could accomplish anything in the kitchen if I put my mind to it. I keep saying that i'll learn mexican and chinese style cooking. I don't really want to learn much of them...just a few things. I'd love to do a nice pollo enchilada (keep hixie and myself happy), and suff like fajitas filled with chicken, onions, peppers and other mexican things. Same with chinese, just a good sweet and sour or beef in black bean sauce. So these are my new goals. I want to get a book of indian recipies that would be served in England, traditional curry stuff like "Chicken sag", "Chicken Balti" etc. That way I can get more vary the stuff I cook more and get to know the spices better.

That's me done for today on cooking anyway. I'm not up to much else. The java game is pretty much done and works pretty well. Onto some Object Oriented training stuff now. Might have been useful a few weeks ago...

2002-08-07 05:43 UTC One blog to rule them all, one blog to find them

As you may have guessed, I watched Lord of the Rings last night. The dvd was released yesterday and I had a strange desire to buy and watch it. So I did. I don't really know the plot of the other movies but i'm kinda hoping that Frodo has to do some fighting. Godfather, Star Wars etc...young person grows up with responsibility but ultimately has to get their hands dirty to get the job done. I want to see that happen.

I've also started reading the books. I tried once before but became busy with something. I'm hoping to read Fellowship of the Ring by the end of this week and the other two next week. It's ultimately out of a desire to know what happens...but also to see how it differs from the film. I really need to read more, but I've been thinking that for years. I just watch movies instead.

Heading to see my family this weekend. Should be fun but i'm tempted to take monday off work to recover. Could be a waste of a day off though. We'll see. Dug out a few xbox games to play in my spare time until Sega GT 2002 comes out next month and also Robotech Battlecry. Over the next few months there could well be a lot of console games coming out that I want, but I can afford them now so it's no bad thing :)

Anyway, here's to the future. Doom 3, Twin Towers, Matrix 2, Matrix 3, Return of the King and most of all, Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball.

2002-08-03 11:51 UTC Train Blogging

I'm on a train back from Reading right now. It's a little bit odd to be writing a weblog entry like this but fun at the same time. Had a really good day visiting Claire too. Shopping, Cinema, eating etc. We have a routine that we generally stick to, although we skipped morning muffins for a trip to the hagen daaz cafe instead.

Saw Austin Powers 3 at the cinema. It had it's moments but I hope Mike Myers goes on to other things. Finally got round to buying Macross Plus on dvd (both oav and movie) and also the new Joe Satriani album "strange beautiful music." that's my evening Sorted.

Not much else going on. No other weekend plans really. Just trying not to spend money and eat lots of fruit. who needs ricochet anyway?

2002-08-02 01:29 UTC Empathy

Ordinarily i'd be really happy right now. I'm heading off to Reading tomorrow to see Claire for the day. It's always something which will brighten up my summer. However, i'm feeling pretty sad for one of my best friends. He's spent the last few months being optimistic and positive...and happier than i've ever seen him. Now...it's pretty much all collapsed in a heap around him and he's too far away for me to do anything about it. Not suprisingly, this involves the opposite sex.

I've done some fairly stupid stuff when all god seemed to do was shit on me from an incredibly great height and I guess i'm hoping he doesn't. He'll get over this one and will eventually be happy...but not suprisingly asks the question "why me, why for once can't i be the lucky one" which is the same question I used to ask.

I'm not sure how many people are in happy relationships on this planet. I guess a large portion of people meet up in clubs/pubs and have a 60% sex, 40% arguments style thing going. Then there's all the ones who divorce, hate each other or just plain don't get on. Somewhere though, there are the people who are in happy loving relationships. It's not half though, it's definitely the minority.

This stuff has brought back some memories of how I felt everytime someone wanted to "just be friends" or felt like I was more of a brother to them. There's a list of girls from my past who I will never forget. But i'm glad...because if they hadn't wanted to be just friends, I might not be with Claire now, and I don't think all the other relationships I could have had with those girls could have compared.

One day my friend will feel the same. He'll be glad it didn't work out because it wouldn't have been for the best. I don't believe it would work between him and the current girl anyway simply from what I know. I hope he realises that he was right to try, and to keep trying with girls...and that he shouldn't regret it because if it was meant to work out, then it would have done. I hope he realises this stuff because it's what i've learned through being rejected more times than I like to think about.

My final message goes to all the girls out there who seem to keep making guys like us into just good friends. *Big fucking bitchslap*. You need to realise that whilst we night not always look it, we're the best fish in the sea. We'll do everything we ever can for you and our sole aim isn't just to get into your pants. You women....you need to wise up.

2002-07-30 07:46 UTC One year down

Today is the anniversary of me starting work at IPL. It's not really an important or interesting detail, but the fact lends itself to a little restrospective thought. Hmm, a whole year.

With Claire away and nothing to really do with my evenings, cooking has become an all important force in my life. I'm presently trying to improve the quality of food I intake by a) eating better lunches and b) eating better at home. The food I cook is generally healthy but I am prone to pub lunches and take-away. No longer. I'm doing packed lunches for work including lots of fruit. On the evening meal side, I'm just going to try and eat home cooked food every night. I won't eat too much and it gives me a great excuse to cook amazing tasting food and to try out new stuff. Not to mention more opportunity to play with knives :)

In a similar vein, I started developing the food section of wuki today. Recipies etc. Hopefully I'll be able to get Mike to send me a few to put up. I'm writing up mine. I can edit them as I improve them. Overall it gives me a good place to store recipies and if people ask how I cook stuff, it makes the response a lot shorter. So anyway, here's to me cooking better and eating better.

2002-07-26 08:00 UTC Ocean Pearls

For the second time this week, i've spent lunch in the Ocean Pearl buffet restaurant in Bath. It's nice. It's 6 for all you can eat chinese buffet. Naturally, too much gets eaten, but I was pretty restrained today. I didn't really want to spend the afternoon feeling bloated. That failed entirely. It's a slightly odd place to eat because it's primary view is of the river and the IPL offices (where I work) on the other side. Not exactly what you want to be looking at when there's all of Bath to explore. Today was like a minature project social for a few of us who are now off our most recent project. It was good fun and more chopstick practice.

The monkeyball fun continues. Got in from the pub at about 11.20pm last night but I didn't really need the sleep so I played til about 1am, getting eventually to Expert level 42. Not bad, 8 to go when I get in tonight.

I've got no plans this weekend besides seeing Claire. Debating seeing Austin Powers 3, it'll probably wait til next weekend when i'm heading over to Reading to see her. I guess it'll involve lots of lounging, take-away and movies/games. I love weekends like this...when there's nothing to do and no expectation of getting stuff done. It's purely devoted to increasing quality of life through fun and relaxation :)

2002-07-25 03:04 UTC Tits baby Tits baby Tits baby Asssss

"When men were stopped in the streets of Columbia and asked if they wanted to lick a woman's breast many thought their dreams had come true. The women would pose seductively outside glitzy bars and restaurants and encourage goggle-eyed men to stop their cars and take a closer look. But after helping themselves to what was on offer, the men would wake up hours later to find their wallets and cars missing. Unbeknown to the men the temptresses had smeared the breasts with a powerful drug that reduced their victims to a stupor. Bogota police said the narcotic caused the men to lose their will-power. "They dissolved the pills in water and rubbed it into their breasts," a spokeswoman said. Three women, in their late teens and early 20s, have been arrested." - Sky News Website.

The arresting officers were later found unconscious with their wallets and other valuable items all stolen.

2002-07-24 14:28 UTC Lets get ready to mmmmooooonnnnkkkkeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy

Right now super monkeyball is a little bit of an obsession. I like to buy a computer game...and then complete it. If it's a long plot driven affair and I don't get into it then it's not a problem. However, if it's merely a test of hand eye co-ordination and problem solving...then it's a challenge to my very nature.

Super Monkeyball is such a game. It's so simple, get a monkey (in a ball) from one end of a little level to the other. There are three difficulty settings (besides secret stuff), Beginner, Advanced and Expert. I did Beginner a while back and i've done the 3 extra levels you get if you complete the main 10 without dying. Quite tricky. Tonight I decided to try and do Advanced without dying. Finally, after several hours and excruciating tension when i got to the last level and then came so close to doing it...finally, i did it. Then i did the 5 extra levels you get. Now all that remains are the 50 expert levels...which are insanely difficult. (There are 10 extra expert ones and then 10 master levels available to the gifted player).

I like to think i'm good at videogames. I have excellent hand-eye co-ordination and a natural ability for them. Games like this though...aren't my strong point. That's why i'm so happy to have managed "advanced" with no loss of life. It's another notch in my gaming belt. Now I can try the expert levels in the knowledge that I do maybe have what it takes to be a superb monkeyball player. Hopefully i'll get really good just in time for super monkeyball 2.

I should point out that I have impressively refrained from killing any monkeys (not even 1) and not destroying my gamecube or any controllers whilst playing. It's been very tempting and i'm sure lots of other people have. God only knows what would have happened if Tom had liked it and wanted to complete it. :)

2002-07-24 08:58 UTC Slow and Easy

Well, there's a little bit of stuff going on for me right now. I'm being amused by the new Ann Summers shop opening in Bath (right in the middle of the high street) tomorrow at lunchtime. I think it's great, many would argue that it lowers the tone. (you know who you are...mike) I think it's great, I won't have to go to bristol anymore. Besides, from the number of people I saw trying to get into it today (even though it hasn't opened yet), it's gonna prove popular.

Claire's heading down at the weekend which is oh so good. I can only take so much Super MonkeyBall before I need to take a break and remember what my life is for. I was also happy to realise that Mel gets back into the country tomorrow. This was short lived as she's going to Turkey on Monday...so no chance of meeting up before September sometime when she returns for good. But still, i'll at least get an email whilst she's in the country. I really have no idea if we will meet up, but I have to take some holiday anyway before october. I might aswell use it to trip over to London. (I've got 5 days saved up to spend with Claire when she get's back too :) )

Work is ok. We're sorting out the finer details of the poker program and it's interface/networking now. I'm looking forward to getting into it tomorrow as i've slacked off for the last few days. We're probably losing the most Java capable person of our team at the end of the week which limits me and Simon to sorting it out. Should be interesting.

Finally, Hixie's buggered off to go to Europe. He's spending some time with his family, then Nadia and then going to his brother's wedding in greece. All of this means he isn't around to chat to me during the day whilst i'm working and on icq. Still, I wouldn't begrudge him a trip around europe with some crumpet...it's much deserved.

I doubt anyone cares but it should be noted if you ever get confused that my blog entries are usually named after references close to me. It could well be from South Park, the Simpsons or an album i'm listening to. I try and make them applicable. Today's entry is from the Joe Satriani album "Engines of Creation" which i'm listening to and perfectly describes the way my life is right now. It doesn't mention "dull" though.

This page was created by Phil Waring, Copyright 2003

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